keanu reeves
You might be thinking, do I even know a fucking vampire. We all do motherfucker. Do you know how many Dantes, Caligulas, Bellas, Edwards, Lucretias, Xanders, Zekes, Octobers, Elizabeths, Moon Bloodgoods, and Nicolas Cages there are in the world? A whole fucking lot. The most fucked thing about this is that unless you catch them in mid-transmogrification as a giant half-serpent woman thing with the hind legs of a camel, drooling habit of a llama, and the penis of a wombat, chances are you aren’t going to be able to differentiate them from the typical lawyer, blood bank owner, air traffic controller, silver fox history professor, and virginal emo pubescent. Vampires are cumming out of the woodwork with denticular stiffies for you, and you need contraception.
You might tell me, hey, well what about sunlight? To that I say: SPF 125, umbrellas, asian-mama-floral-print driving sleeves, bhurkas, fear inducing face-kinis, ninja suits, and Chevy’s sombreros. How about garlic you may pugnaciously inquire. Are you fucking serious? I won’t deny, it’s true that garlic has a long history dating all the way back to Ancient Egypt for warding off evil spirits. Here’s the crux, not all bloodsuckers are evil. I’ve seen Nicolas Cage himself enjoy a garlic naan along with his saag paneer and chicken tikka masala. Google it, son. What about the holy cross you might truculently belch out. Well you overzealous, proselytizing, Billy Graham T-Shirt wearing, rosary-anal-bead fucking, fuccant. Do you think all vampires are Roman Catholic? Eucharistic wafers, holy water, crucifixes, the piss of Jesus himself only work against thirty-two percent of these haemo-mynocks. Try warding off a Jewish vampire with a crucifix. Though I got to be honest, chances are with the diet you have, you probably aren’t kosher anyways. Alright, how about the Tibetan rolang (risen corpse), the Ghanan asasabonsam, the Indian brahmaparusha, or the hopping Chinese Jiangshi. You don’t need me to tell you how many Chinese and Indians there are in the world. Two whole nations full of Bugs Bunnies and Jessica Rabbits at a five to four ratio, giving cuniculus on some exotic furnessi poontang — Fucking, seven-eleven, with thirty-one day gestation periods. Ever see how big a litter of kits can get? I have a delightful portmanteau for you. DuodeMom. Even with that Puttanesca in Russia threatening to cut off commercial airline routes, international travel has never been easier my friend — and that means vampires have the hall pass to the world. You need protection.
There are only three verified ways to consistently deter the lusty advances of these erection envying, Halloween loving, deadbeat porphyriacs… and they are all available to you for a price. Number one, the Ointment of Medea. Hey, if it was good enough for Jason and the Argo-fucking-nauts, it is good enough for you. The ointment is derived from a special plant that springs up from the drops of Prometheus’ blood. He brought us fire, he gave us nourishment, and now he protects us from undead lampreys. What a guy. We have him chained up to the same rock in the same undisclosed location the bearded man banished him to, and we collect his blood when the vulture comes to get his fill of sweet meats. If applied properly, no harm will come to you for a day. One point eight ounces will cost you $1000. Payments accepted via paypal and venmo. E-mail is vampireprophylactic69 at the AOL dot com.
Number two. You can make yourself impervious, period. You just need to be dipped into the River Styx by the Neried Thetis, and we have an arrangement with her. If the process can ward off thousands of Trojan arrows, it can handle a pair of fucking titty bitty vampire fangs. This service will cost ten million. Is that really too much to ask for impervious skin? General disclaimer, due to the mechanics of the dipping process, your heel will remain susceptible to mortal wound. Though we disavow ourselves from any ankle related complications, we do offer a specially designed anti-vampire, plastic ankle guard available for purchase at your local Big 5 for the low low price of $19.99.
Number three. This one is rife with caveats. The Mountain Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee, also commonly known as the Three Wolves Tee. This shirt will make you a sexual conquistador, help you find success in love and in life, make you a better man if you are a woman and a better woman if you are a man, stave off extra-terrestrial anal probes, heal leprosy and vasectomies, and of course both attract and repel vampires with its awesome power. There is also a ninety percent chance that you will be fucked by an amorous werewolf. If this is a risk you are willing to take, or a possibility that titillates, you can purchase through our new Amazon affiliate for the bargain price of $32.99. Free two day shipping with Amazon Prime.
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